What I Have Learned

The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life… Muhammad Ali

Over the last year I have had these recurring thoughts about the true purpose of my life. I have a sense that there has to be more to life than what has already been presented to me.   In my lifetime I have traveled to many places, met different people, tasted of various cultures and involved myself in many carefree experiences. But admittedly, they were for my own selfish enjoyment. As I get older it becomes more important what I do with my life. I have learned that life isn’t just about me because we are all interrelated. What I do affects the people around me. My goal is to learn and then to teach; to understand and then be understood. I don’t always hit the mark but here are some of my findings:

I have learned that the longer I live the more regrets I have. If you have no regrets then you have not matured or gained knowledge.

I have learned that people change. Nothing stays the same. Whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually; we will all change.   

I have learned to never judge a person by their past, by their appearance or by their relatives.

I have learned that we are all intrinsically the same. Laughter and pain makes us one.

I have learned to never complain. There is someone wishing they had your problem.

I have learned that mom and dad were right. Life is pretty much how they say it will be.

I have learned that children are like mirrors. They show us who we really are.

I have learned that I will not die of a broken heart. I will simply learn to love smarter.

I have learned that physical death is not the end of love. Love lives in the hearts of those left behind.

I have learned that it is a gift in itself to be able to give.

I have learned that people want to be accepted for who they are not for who we want them to be.

I have learned that I am the only person I can control.

I have learned that while I was trying to be someone else, someone else was trying to be me.

I have learned that you can give without loving but you cannot love without giving.

I have learned that people might not remember what I say but they will remember what I do.

I have learned that saying I will forgive but I won’t forget is the same as saying I will not forgive.

I have learned that sleep and rest are two totally different things.

I have learned that you cannot love without being vulnerable. One does not exist without the other. If you are incapable of being vulnerable then you are incapable of loving.  

I have learned that hatred does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than to the object on which it is poured.  

I have learned that when I see a sunrise it is really God saying you have another chance.

I have learned that there is no such thing as a self-made man. Every opportunity comes from the sweat of those before us or the help of those who surround us.

I have learned that it is not my right to judge; yet it is my privilege to understand. Even God waits until the end of a man’s life before he judges him.

Ten Things My Father Taught Me

How do I begin to describe the first man I ever met? The one by whom all others are compared. I’m talking about my daddy. That’s what I have always called him; daddy. Not father or dad, but just simply daddy. When I was growing up he always seemed to be some large, impressive, intimidating figure. But peeking out somewhere beyond the tough exterior and stern expression, lie his sensitive side. The side he tried to hide.

As I write this I recognize that today is Father’s Day. And like so many years before, my family and I will come together to spend time with him and shower him with attention, presents and cards. I am blessed to still have my father here with me. And that’s exactly it; he has always been here with me and for me. He has always been a supporter, encourager, teacher, disciplinarian, and provider. How do you thank someone who has been so many things?

Of course, my father and I have not always seen eye to eye. We have had our disagreements and that is mainly because we are so much alike. But I have never; not one day of my life ever doubted that he loves me and cares for me. He has proven that to me simply by his presence. I have seen him grow and transform in so many ways over the years and I am proud of him. He has done so much with so little. He is the smartest man I know. I believe the most significant way to let someone know you love them is to listen to them. My father has taught me so many things over the years through his words and his actions and these ten points are just a few:     

 It doesn’t matter where you start its how you finish.

 It takes more than book knowledge to be successful.

 Never let anyone intimidate you.

Be yourself. No one can beat you being you.

Don’t run with the crowd. It’s great to be different.

Don’t run from your difficulties. They make you strong.

You’ll never be rich working for someone else.

Never hang around people who can’t solve your problems.

Take care of your responsibilities.

Help those less fortunate than yourself.

 My father was never one to express his emotions. But then again he did. When he would ask me how my car was running, he was saying I love you. When he would lecture me, he was saying I love you. When he would not let me have my way, he was saying I love you. I thank you daddy for being a real man and doing right when it was much easier to do wrong. I thank you for being a constant presence in my life. I love you.

What do you mean you don’t like me?

I have always been fascinated by people who are able to walk through life without caring whether or not they are liked by others. They simply shrug off all negative opinions that others have of them. Their lives are not altered one bit by the thoughts and opinions of the people around them. I, on the other hand, have never been one of these people. I’m a sensitive soul, compassionate of others and a pretty nice person. So I have always wanted and expected people to like me. Unfortunately, when they did not like me for one reason or another, I went out of my way to find out why and if possible change their view of me.

From childhood I have been a chronic people pleaser so I intrinsically care about people’s opinions of me. I was raised in a time when it was taught that if you say the right thing, do the right thing and stay on the narrow path then people will like and accept you. This turned out to be the case most times, but sadly for me, not all the time. Fundamentally this line of thought made sense but realistically it put most of the responsibility on my shoulders and it was a huge burden to carry. What this taught me was that somehow I was in control of what others thought when I really wasn’t and could never be. It was very egotistical of me to think that I had some sort of mind altering power over someone else.

As I get older I realize that one cannot control the thoughts, opinions or views of another. I only have power over myself and my only responsibility is to love others, not to control them. While I was wasting energy trying to change the views of the few who did not like me, I was in essence trying to control them. I decided a long time ago to let them have their opinion and what they think of me is none of my business. Only what I think of myself is important.

I have also realized that I cannot be an effective individual in the lives of others while being obsessed with my own personal feelings. Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. We all want to be accepted. Even now, I sometimes wince at the thought of someone not liking me but it doesn’t feel as important to me anymore. Life isn’t just about me. I believe the individuals that I am so fascinated by really want to be liked also. But they have learned to prioritize their feelings and I have too. And I’m fascinated by that.